Narcissistic Leaders Essay Example for Free

Narcissistic Leaders Essay Big business today can be largely attributed to CEOs and leaders that are narcissistic. These leaders tend to be the center of attention more so now days then they used to be which is something a narcissistic person enjoys. Narcissists have been in business for a long time and have made great strides. People such as Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford were narcissists that were very successful business men. Narcissism may have been a good trait to achieve a high status in business but it can also make the person dangerous or not very likable. Heinz Kohut and Freud looked deeper into the theory and found that it could be treated by properly trained clinicians. Jack Welch and George Soros are prime examples of people who are what is called a productive narcissist; they strive to make a difference in the world and make a name for themselves. But narcissism can be bad enough that you believe that things are out to stand in your way of achievement and therefore you trust no one. Narcissists can sometimes become overly ambitious and shoot to high which can cause them to end up losing everything. Gyllenhammar is a prime example, he chose to not listen to anyone and found himself in court being forced to resign. Freud narrowed the main personality types down to erotic, obsessive, and narcissistic. Those with an erotic personality need to be loved by others that is the most important element of life to them. These types of people tend to be teachers, nurses or social workers. At their best, they help better the young and are a big help when working. They have a positive effect on those around them in the workplace. Freud referred to them as outer directed people. Freud referred to obsessives as inner directed. They are very in tune with what is going on and look to themselves to resolve conflicts. They are obsessed with improvement when working because by nature they value moral improvement over everything else. They tend to go into a field of work that spurs their interest but they don’t have what it takes to go from slightly above average to amazing. At their best they shoot high, and do what is necessary for the business to succeed. When productive they work well with others but when unproductive they usually don’t succeed. Narcissists are very self-indulged and don’t care much for others. When it comes to business they know their field inside and out and go above and beyond. Narcissists are extremely hungry for knowledge about their business. They desire to be admired by others but not necessarily loved. Maccoby (2000) states that unlike obsessives, they are not troubled by a punishing superego, so they are able to be very aggressive in pursuit of their goals. Maccoby (2000) goes on to say of all the personality types, narcissists run the greatest risk of isolating themselves at the moment of success. And because of their independence and aggressiveness, they are constantly looking out for enemies, sometimes degenerating into paranoia when they are under extreme stress. Obsessives as leaders tend to try and expand on a safe level that is practical and likely to benefit the company. Narcissists want more, they go all out and take big risks that if they work as planned will greatly benefit the business; but it is not as likely to work. Narcissists may hide it well but they feed of f of praise and recognition of followers. Without that admiration narcissists become overwhelmed, but too much admiration can cause them to feel too superior this can lead to dangerous acts that may be detrimental to the business. Narcissists can’t handle criticism; they remain out of tune with their emotions as much as possible. Due to the fact that narcissists can’t deal with being criticized they tend to completely ignore negative comments toward them. Narcissists also have no compassion what so ever. They can perform acts that may anger or sadden someone without any remorse. They are so independent that they don’t like to mentor anyone or be mentored. Competition is a narcissist’s forte; they get so into it that they would do almost anything to be the best. A trust-worthy sidekick has to be someone they can relate to and keeps him down to earth. They believe that everyone around them should think the same thing that they do even if it involves brainwashing. They are control-freaks, and want to know everything that’s going on at all times. These productive narcissists make good leaders by nature but the rest of them sometimes can’t see their limitations and will end up in trouble. Maccoby (2000) sums this altogether with for companies whose narcissistic leaders recognize their limitations, these will be the best of times. For others, these could turn out to be the worst.

Theories of Motivation Comparison and Analysis

Theories of Motivation Comparison and Analysis Most contemporary theories recognize that motivation begins with individual needs. Needs are deficiencies that energize or trigger behaviors to satisfy those needs. At some point in your life, you might have a strong need for food and shelter. At other tomes, your social needs may be unfulfilled. Unfulfilled needs create a tension that makes you want to find ways to reduce or satisfy those needs. The stronger your needs, the more motivated you are to satisfy them. Conversely, a satisfied need does not motivate. In this section, we will look at the four content theories of motivation that dominate organizational thinking today Maslows theory: According to Maslow, human needs from hierarchy, starting at the bottom with the physiological needs and reaching to the highest needs of self actualization. He says when one set of needs are satisfied, then they try to full fill the next need from hierarchy. physiological needs: these are the basic necessities of human life like food, clothing, shelter etc.He says until these needs are satisfied to the required level , man does not aim for the satisfaction of next higher level needs. As for a organization is concerned these needs include basic needs like pay, allowance, incentives and benefits security safety needs: these refer to the needs to be free of physical danger or the feeling of loss of food , job or shelter these needs as far as organization is concerned include conformity, security plans, membership in union, severance pay etc. Social needs: physiological and security needs are satisfied these social needs begin occupying the mind of man. This is exactly why he looks for the association of other human beings and strives hard to be accepted b its group; social needs at work place include human relations, formal and informal work group. Esteem needs: these needs are power, prestige, status and self confidence. Every man has a feeling of importance and he wants others to regard him highly. These needs make people aim high and make them achieve something great. These needs for employees include staus symbol, awards, promotions, titles etc. Self actualization: this is the highest need in hierarchy. This refers to the desire to become what one is capable of becoming. Man tries to maximize his potential and accomplish something, when these needs are activated in him. As said earlier the individuals processed from physiological needs to safety needs and so on and so forth only when each need is satisfied. If any need is not satisfied, the individual sticks to that need and strives to fulfill that need. MASLOWS HIERARCHY Herzberg theory(1959) Maslows theory has been modified by herzberg and he called it two factor theory of motivation. According to him the first groups of needs are things such as company policy and administration, supervision, working conditions, interpersonal relations, salary, status, job security and personal life. Herzberg called this factor as dissatisfiers and not motivators. These are also refered to as hygiene factors. Maintenance factors or dissatisfiers motivation factors or satisfiers Job context job content Extrinsic factor   intrinsic factor Company policy and administration   achievement Quality of supervision recognition Relations with supervisors   work itself Work conditions   responsibility Pay   advancement Peer relations   possibility of growth Personal life Relations with subordinates Status Job security Second group are satisfiers, in the sense that they are motivators. These factors are related to job content. He included the factors like achievement, recognition, challenging work, advancement and growth in this category. Presence of these factors will yield feelings of satisfaction. Herzberg theory is also called as motivation hygiene theory. Herzberg conducted a study by asking questions. What do the people want for a job? He asked the respondents to describe situations are events when they feel exceptionally good and bad about their job. Herzberg did not the cover the relationship between job satisfaction and productivity, though he assumed that there is a relationship between these two factors. Alders ERG theory(1972) Alder also feels that needs should be categorized and that there is a basic distinction between lower order needs and higher order needs . alder identified three groups of needs Existence, Relatedness and Growth and that is why his theory is called ERG theory.the existence needs are based with survival, or physiological well being.the relatedness talk about the importance of interpersonal and social relationship. The growth needs are concerned with the individuals intrinsic desire for personal development. This theory is some what similar to maslows and herzberg theory . but unlike maslows and herzberg he does not assert that lower needs has to be satisfied before higher level needs . so a persons background and culture environment may make him think of relatedness needs or growth needs though his existency needs are unfulfilled. Alders simplification of maslows need hierarchy: Needs are arranged in order of importance Unsatisfied needs motivate individuals Alders theory suggests that individual needs can be divided into three groups existence (physiological and safety) relatedness (social) growth (esteem and self actualization) alders theory differs from maslows theory in a number of important respects. Alderfer argued that it was better to think in terms of continuum rather than a hierarchy. From concrete exixtence needs to least concrete growth needs and argued that you can move along this in either direction. Maslow argued that when satisfied a need becomes less important to an individual, but alderfers argues that relatedness or growth needs become more important when satisfied . this means that team working arrangements can continue to motivate employees and are not necessarily superseded by growth needs. Mc Clellands theory: this theor was developed by David McClelland a Harvard physiologist and his associates.the theory focuses on three needs In his acquired-needs theory, David McClelland proposed that an individuals specific needs are acquired over time and are shaped by ones life experiences. Most of these needs can be classed as either achievement, affiliation, or power. A persons motivation and effectiveness in certain job functions are influenced by these three needs. McClellands theory sometimes is referred to as the three need theory or as the learned needs theory. 1. Need for achievement: (n Ach) need for achievement refers to the drive to excel, to achieve in relation to set standards and and to strive to succeed McClelland from his research that high achievers differentiate themselves from others by doing the same work in different ways . they perform best when they perceive their probability of success as being 0.5. they seek quick feed back on their performance in Order to improve or correct the action before it goes wrong. They accept personal responsibility for success or failure. Want to take personal responsibility for solving problem Goal oriented set moderate, realistic, attainable goal Seek challenge, excellence and individuality Take calculated, moderate risk Willing to work hard and desire concrete feedback on their performance Need for power (n pow) need for power refers to the desire to make others behave in a way that they would not otherwise have behaved in. In other words need for power is the desire o have impact, to be influential and control others. Want to control the situation and want control over others Enjoy competition and winning, do not like to lose willing to confront others Need for affiliation: (n Aff) seek close relationship with others and to be liked by others enjoy lots of social activities seek to belong, join groups and organization PROCESS THEORY: Process theories are concerned with the thought processes that influence behaviour. Two such theories are Expectancy theory and Equity theory A) Vrooms expectancy theory: Vrooms formula: motivation=expectancy X value According to this theory motivation of any individual depends on the desired goal and strength of his expectation of achieving goals. A vrooms model is built mainly on three concepts valency, instrumentality and expectancy. Valency: The value a person places on the outcome or reward vroom says that valency is the strength of individuals preference for a particular outcome. it can be taken as an equivalent of value, incentive, attitude and expected utility . for the value to be positive the person must prefer attaining the out come to not to attain the outcome. A valency of zero occurs , when the individual is indifferent towards the outcome. the valency is negative when the individual prefers not attaining outcome to attaining it . Expectancy: A person perception of the probability of accomplishing an objective the third major variable in vrooms theory is expectancy. though expectancy and instrumentality appear to be the same at the first glance they are quite different . Expectancy is a probability (ranging from 0 to 1) or strength of a belief that a particular action or effort will leave to a particular first level outcome. Instrumentality refers to the degree to which a first level outcome will lead to the second level outcome. vroom says the sum of these variables is motivation. Expectancy theory works best with employees who have n internal locus of control. To motivate using the expectancy theory: clearly define objectives clearly define necessary performance needed to achieve them tie performance to rewards be sure rewards are of value to the employees Make sure your employees believe you will do as you promise. Vrooms theory also suggests: Both internal (needs) and external (environment) factors affect behaviour Behaviour is the individuals decision People have different needs, desires and goals People make behaviour decisions based on their perception of the outcome. Adams Equity Theory: based on the comparison of perceived inputs to outputs. People perceive themselves in one of three positions Both the inputs and outputs of person and others or based upon the persons perceptions. Age, sex, education economic and social status , skill, experience, training, effort, education, past performance, present performance ,level of difficulty , position in the organization etc, are examples of perceived input variables . Outcomes consist of rewards like pay status promotion and intrinsic interest in the job. Equitably rewarded:( they are satisfied that there inputs and outputs are equal) Inputs and outputs are perceived as being equal. Under rewarded: (they perceive there inputs exceed their output) Efforts to reduce inequity by trying to increase outputs Reducing inputs(working less, absenteeism) Rationalizing(creating an explanation for the inequity) Changing others inputs or outputs Leaving Changing the objective of comparision Over rewarded: people dont usually get upset when they are over rewarded , but they may increase inputs or reduce outputs to maintain equity) Increasing inputs (working more, longer hours, etc) Reducing output(taking a pay cut) Rationalizing (Im worth it) Increasing other outputs Inequity occurs when : Persons outcomes others outcomes Persons inputs others inputs Persons outcomes others outcomes persons inputs others inputs Equity occurs when: Persons outcomes others outcomes - = Persons inputs others inputs INPUTS: Time Effort Loyalty Hard Work Commitment Ability Adaptability Flexibility Tolerance Determination Enthusiasm Personal sacrifice Trust in superiors Support from co-workers and colleagues OUTCOMES: Outputs are defined as the positive and negative consequences that an individual perceives a participant has incurred as a consequence of his/her relationship with another. When the ratio of inputs to outcomes is close, than the employee should have much satisfaction with their job. Outputs can be both tangible and intangible (Walster, Traupmann Walster, 1978). Typical  outcomes include any of the following: Job security Esteem Salary Employee benefit Expenses Recognition Reputation Responsibility Sense of achievement Praise Forming equity perceptions: Step 1: a person evaluates how he or she is being treated by the firm. Step 2: the person forms a perception of how a comparision other is being treated Step 3: the person compares his or her own circumstances with those of the comparision other Step 4: on the strength of this feeling , the person may choose to pursue one or more alternatives. It is important to also consider the Adams Equity Theory factors when striving to improve an employees job satisfaction, motivation level, etc., and what can be done to promote higher levels of each. JOB SATISFACTION: Job satisfaction, a workers sense of achievement and success, is generally perceived to be directly linked to productivity as well as to personal wellbeing. Job satisfaction implies doing a job one enjoys, doing it well, and being suitably rewarded for ones efforts. Job satisfaction further implies enthusiasm and happiness with ones work. For the organization, job satisfaction of its workers means a work force that is motivated and committed to high quality performance. Increased productivity-the quantity and quality of output per hour worked-seems to be a byproduct of improved quality of working life. It is important to note that the literature on the relationship between job satisfaction and productivity is neither conclusive nor consistent. However, studies dating back to Herzbergs (1957) have shown at least low correlation between high morale and high productivity, and it does seem logical that more satisfied workers will tend to add more value to an organization. Unhappy employees, who are motivated by fear of job loss, will not give 100 percent of their effort for very long. Though fear is a powerful motivator, it is also a temporary one, and as soon as the threat is lifted performance will decline. Creating job satisfaction: Flexible work arrangements, possibly including telecommuting Training and other professional growth opportunities Interesting work that offers variety and challenge and allows the worker opportunities to put his or her signature on the finished product Opportunities to use ones talents and to be creative Opportunities to take responsibility and direct ones own work A stable, secure work environment that includes job security/continuity An environment in which workers are supported by an accessible supervisor who provides timely feedback as well as congenial team members Flexible benefits, such as child-care and exercise facilities Up-to-date technology Competitive salary and opportunities for promotion

I Want To Be a Teacher Essay -- Education Teaching Learning School Ess

Why I Want To Be a Teacher Education is one of the most essential possessions in life. It is necessary for success, and it provides an enhanced future. I believe that people, who do not get an education, are uninformed as to what is going on in their surroundings. The disadvantage is that people can abuse you for your lack of knowledge. People need to be educated to communicate effectively with other people who might have distinct points of views than theirs. In other words, education makes you more open-minded and acceptable to other ideas, beliefs, and values. In the United States, people are extremely lucky because no matter what their age they always have the privilege of receiving the best education possible. In other countries, children have withdrawn from school at an early age because their parents cannot afford to pay for their education. This is very depressing because in the United States innumerable people take school for granted and give up just because they are lazy. They do not appreciat e what they have and do not value education. When I was a child, my mother would constantly remind me about how important it was to have high expectations. My mother is originally from Central America. In her country, people are very unfortunate. She loved school and dreamed of becoming a nurse. However, she had to leave school to help my grandmother, economically. She decided to come to America and to endow my brothers and me with the education she never had. For this reason, most of the things I have accomplished throughout my schooling are because of my mother. I always perform my best in everything I do because I want to make her proud. I know that through me her dreams are becoming a reality. I plan to ... ...bility over each one of your students. Good quality instructors are what society needs in order to make this country flourishing. Yet, I have heard many controversies over what an effective teacher really is. Although this was intimidating, it gave me more determination to work towards my goal. Another reason why I admire teachers is because not only do they facilitate children’s learning but they can aid their own children as well. I think that is something remarkable. I anticipate that in the future I will be able to be of assistance to my children with their homework and teach them how to be responsible citizens. Accomplishing my aspiration of becoming a professor will fill me with enormous satisfaction and pride. I know that completing my schooling will guarantee me a successful future. Only then will I prove that my mother’s sacrifice was not useless.

Ethics for the 21st Century Essay -- Essays on Ethics

Ethics for the 21st Century Rushworth M. Kidder has done a remarkable thing; he has assembled from all over the globe the answers of people to this question: "If you could help create a global code of ethics, what would be on it?" This act is so remarkable because he has taken the time to gather the opinions of twenty-four individuals from sixteen nations to create a global forum. What strikes me the most about his study is that the interviewees were not heads of state. They were average people viewed by their communities as ethical leaders. Kidder compiled their thoughts into a list of moral standards for the twenty-first century in his essay " Universal Human Values: Finding an Ethical Common Ground." I agree with his list of standards: love, truthfulness, fairness, freedom, unity, tolerance, responsibility and above all respect for life. The first three of these needs, "love, truthfulness and fairness," are basic human values many of us are brought up with. So important are these lessons in childhood that the drive to carry them out is a natural instinct for most adults. L...

Barn Burning Essay -- essays research papers

Use of Blood in â€Å"Barn Burning†   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã¢â‚¬Å"Barn Burning† is about the struggle of a boy to do what is right during the Post Civil War era. The main character, Sartoris Snopes, is a poor son of a migrant tenant farmer. In the opening scene he is being asked by a circuit judge about the burning of a farmer’s barn by his father. The boy does not tell on his father and is not forced to do so, but he thinks that he would have done so had he been asked. The father, Abner Snopes, served in the Civil War for both sides and has difficulty venting his anger. Usually he does so through the burning of other people’s barns when they wrong him. The symbol of blood is used by Faulkner to contribute to the theme of loyalty to the family.   Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  Ã‚  One use of blood is shown when the boy is called to testify and is pressured by his father to lie. When the boy is on stand he is stressed by the fear that his father will do something crazy if he tells on him. Also, his father tells him that some things are more important than the truth, that family is the most important thing. â€Å"You were fixing to tell them. You would have told them†(484). This statement made by Abner shows how the boy truly feels about his blood father’s actions and where he stands when it comes to telling a lie or the truth regarding those actions. Also, the scene where that statement takes place depicts how the father feels about family. He thinks that a lie is justified if you are doing ...

History of Computers Essay

The abacus was an early aid for mathematical computations. Its only value is that it aids the memory of the human performing the calculation. A skilled abacus operator can work on addition and subtraction problems at the speed of a person equipped with a hand calculator. The abacus is often wrongly attributed to China. In fact, the oldest surviving abacus was used in 300 B. C. by the Babylonians. The abacus is still in use today, principally in the far east. A modern abacus consists of rings that slide over rods, but the older one pictured below dates from the time when pebbles were used for counting (the word â€Å"calculus† comes from the Latin word for pebble). In 1617 an eccentric Scotsman named John Napier invented logarithms, which are a technology that allows multiplication to be performed via addition. The magic ingredient is the logarithm of each operand, which was originally obtained from a printed table. But Napier also invented an alternative to tables, where the logarithm values were carved on ivory sticks which are now called Napier’s Bones. In 1642 Blaise Pascal, at age 19, invented the Pascaline as an aid for his father who was a tax collector. Pascal built 50 of this gear-driven one-function calculator but couldn’t sell many because of their exorbitant cost and because they really weren’t that accurate. Up until the present age when car dashboards went digital, the odometer portion of a car’s speedometer used the very same mechanism as the Pascaline to increment the next wheel after each full revolution of the prior wheel. Pascal was a child prodigy. At the age of 12, he was discovered doing his version of Euclid’s thirty-second proposition on the kitchen floor. Pascal went on to invent probability theory, the hydraulic press, and the syringe. Shown below is an 8 digit version of the Pascaline. Just a few years after Pascal, the German Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz managed to build a four calculator that he called the stepped reckoner because, instead of gears, it employed fluted drums having ten flutes arranged around their circumference in a stair-step fashion. Although the stepped reckoner employed the decimal number system, Leibniz was the first to advocate use of the binary number system which is fundamental to the operation of modern computers. Leibniz is considered one of the greatest of the philosophers but he died poor and alone. In 1801 the Frenchman Joseph Marie Jacquard invented a power loom that could base its weave (and hence the design on the fabric) upon a pattern automatically read from punched wooden cards, held together in a long row by rope. Descendents of these punched cards have been in use ever since. By 1822 the English mathematician Charles Babbage was proposing a steam driven calculating machine the size of a room, which he called the Difference Engine. This machine would be able to compute tables of numbers, such as logarithm tables. Hollerith’s invention, known as the Hollerith desk, consisted of a card reader which sensed the holes in the cards, a gear driven mechanism which could count, and a large wall of dial indicators to display the results of the count. Hollerith built a company, the Tabulating Machine Company which, after a few buyouts, eventually became International Business Machines, known today as IBM. IBM grew rapidly and punched cards became ubiquitous. Your gas bill would arrive each month with a punch card you had to return with your payment.

Family and Death Essay

Loss can be described as many things; the misplacement of tangible items, the ending of a close relationship with a friend, a goal not achieved or the death of a loved one. Through the readings, posts and responses of this course we have seen that individuals each respond to their loss in ways that are unique to them, yet there is a common thread amid it all – everyone grieves and mourns their losses and their lives are forever changed. While reviewing the losses that I have experience, I at first attempted to define which would be the most significant and there for most deserving of further thought and ultimately inclusion in this lossography. What I realized was that significant does not always mean huge or all encompassing, that some losses are smaller and maybe only seen as a loss to the person directly experiencing them. Focusing on death, the first recollection I have is that of a beloved pet, Henrietta an orange and black guinea pig. I am not exactly sure how long we had her or how old I was when she died (although from the room in my memory I would have to guess 9 or 10) I just remember thinking of her as a great pet, she never bit, she did not try to run away, and always seemed to be listening when I talked to her. I remember going into my bedroom and realizing she had not issued her usual welcoming whistle, I walked up to her cage – a large square made of welded together refrigerator shelves with a solid metal bottom that the sides could be lifted out of – and seeing her lying on her side, not moving. I think I knew immediately that she had died, because I uncharacteristically stepped inside the cage and bent down to pick her up, she was large and I always used to hands, this time she was limp and cold. I do not really remember what I did after that, I am sure I told my mom and we buried her, I also do not remember how my younger siblings reacted, but I do know that in that memory I was not crying. Having grown up spending a great deal of time on my grandparents farm the death of animals was not a new concept, but I think Henrietta’s death stands out to me because it was the first time my pet had died, the first I found dead. I am sure I missed having her, but we always had so many pets that perhaps the void was filled right away. Oddly the next childhood death that stands out is again of a pet and I think it stands out because at the time I felt relief and then guilt. It was my brother’s white rat. I hated that thing – he should have named it Houdini because it did not matter what kind of cage or how well the lid/doors were secured that nasty little thing could get out and inevitably would find its way to my room and climb up on my bed! I was not afraid of it – we had had plenty of mice and hamsters and guinea pigs – I just hated the way it would climb up everything and the way it’s scaly tail would scrape across your skin if you gave it a chance. Anyway, I remember Malcolm being very upset and crying when he found it dead, as soon as I knew what was going on I felt relieved I would not have to deal with its escapes anymore, but I still hugged my little brother and tried to make him feel better. I did feel bad for him and knew he felt like he was losing a friend and as much as I felt bad for him and would have done anything to take away his pain, I just could not feel bad that rat was dead which made me feel a guilty. I knew of course it was not my fault the rat was dead, but I did think my being glad it was dead made me a bad sister. I know now that my feelings were perfectly normal and not those of a bad sister, just those of a thirteen year old who loved her brother but hated his choice of pets. I know there have been other deaths that have touched my life; pets, a great aunt I barely knew whose funeral was the first open casket I had attended (I do not remember seeing her up close – I think my mother kept us back), a good friend who died in accident at the end of our freshman year in high school, one of my favorite uncles and my grandparents, the loss of a baby 16 weeks into the pregnancy, but the death that has colored my world the most was one that I did not experience, it occurred eight days before I was born when my father was killed in a car crash. I do not mean to diminish the impact the other losses had, certainly seeing the affect my grandfathers death had on my grandmother shaped some of my ideas not only of grief, she was never the same, she did not laugh as much and the light in her eyes was not as bright, but it also shaped some of my ideals about romantic love. To the day she died – 28 years after my grandfather – my grandmother kept all of her checks and official documents titled â€Å"Mrs. Willis Goodrich†, and she never removed her wedding ring. The death of my Uncle Forest was the first time I associated anger with death, my Aunt seemed so numb at first and then for months she was so angry at him for not taking better care of himself, for continuing to smoke when she asked him repeatedly to try to stop and for not asking for help moving the ice house he was pushing when he had a massive heart attack and died. She told me later that it was not until she not only recognized but believed that he had not been trying to die, that he had not wanted to leave her any more than she wanted him to leave, that she was finally able to forgive him for dying and move on with her life. My grandmothers death was different from my grandfathers not only because it was not entirely unexpected, she was almost 90 and had advanced Parkinson’s disease, but more in how I reacted to it. As a teenager when my grand father died it almost felt like being an observer, I was to young to be included in any of the decisions, I obviously felt horrible and could see the pain and sadness in my grandma, aunts and uncles but I do not think I really understood how affected they were by everyones pain. Even knowing my grandmother was no longer in pain and believing she was where she had wanted to be for the last 28 years – back in my grandfathers arms – her dying made me then and still at times makes sad that I can not have tea with her or bake cookies with her or just talk to her. Her passing was also different for me in that this time I was one of the adults and as such as I could see, feel and worry about the pain of my mom, aunts, uncles and cousins but also that of all of the great grandchildren. I know that I said the death of my father had the biggest impact on my life but that is only because it is something that has always been part of my life, something I have always known, but it is a different kind of loss than that of someone I actually knew or in the case of the baby I lost, of someone I wanted to know, someone that was to be part of my future. Losing that baby was more painful than anything I have experienced. He was to be our second child, I say he only because that is what I had already pictured in my mind, a blue eyed, dimpled smile, curly haired boy. But a few days before what would have been our 16 week check up I began spotting. I was at work, as a bank teller, and immediately called my doctor who told me to come to her office right away. At that time we lived in a fairly small town in Montana so I was ushered right into an exam room when I arrived, which really only served to make my feelings of dread worse. I knew it was bad when my doctor looked grim as she searched all over my abdomen for any trace of a heartbeat. I remember feeling like everything was turning gray. I remember the doctor trying to sound hopeful when she said that not finding a heartbeat yet could be from multiple causes and that we should get an ultrasound. But as she called the hospital next door to the clinic, the look in her eyes did not match her voice. Again being in a small town made things quicker, I had a very short wait, during which I called work to tell my supervisor, who happened to be my best friend, that I would not be back as soon as I thought. She sounded so concerned I could not help but blurt out â€Å"they can’t find a heartbeat†, her voice sounded like it was a thousand miles away down a dark tunnel when she answered â€Å"I’ll be right there†. She knew my husband was due to be out of town for several more hours. Somehow I managed to remain calm as the ultrasound started, but the minute Staci walked into the room I started to cry. The poor ultrasound operator got kinda flustered and started searching for tissues. After several minutes of his moving the wand across my stomach, not speaking and with their eyes glued to the screen, he finally said what I already knew, the baby had died. In the span of an hour, I’d gone from happily planning for a new person to enter my life, to having that life ripped away from me, to having to figure out how I was going to tell my husband and our four year old daughter. I felt like a gaping hole had just ripped open in my chest and all of the air had been sucked from the room. The cramping started the next day, it was seriously more painful than labor, I felt like my body had betrayed me and that I had failed myself and my husband. I realize now of course that some of that pain was psychological and I do know that nothing I did caused it nor could have prevented it, but during the months between the miscarriage and when I was pregnant again, my heart just ached when I saw a baby. I know that I hugged my daughter a lot more and was reminded just what a gift she really is, when our second daughter was born nearly a year later, I know I hardly put that baby down. I would not trade her for the world, and it does not escape me that if I had not lost the one I did, I would not have her, but I still think about him and wonder what he would have been like, I believe I will see him again someday, but in the mean time I know that the three children I have with me (our youngest is a boy – no curls no dimples but amazing in his own right) are truly gifts and I cherish my time with them. I also believe my loss has made me better equipped to help and more compassionate towards patients that are in the process of losing a baby. While I could describe each of the losses I have have written about here in much more detail and with enough emotion and reflection to fill many more pages, it is very hard to describe how I feel about the loss of my father. I think the only people who can truly understand are those that have a similar experience and then it is an understanding that does not require words. As I said previously, his death is something that I have always known, something that has been a part of me. I do not remember a specific time that my mother told me about him being dead, I do vaguely remember her explaining to my younger sister (well technically my half sister) that I had a different daddy who had died. I know that he died in a car crash in which, fortunately, my mother was not involved. I know that they had been married barely a year and that he was very excited that I was on the way. She remarried when I was about three so I had a step father that filled his role early on, but when their bad marriage ended I think it made me that much more aware of what it really meant that my father was gone. As I got older I tried to believe that I could not miss what I never had, but when I would see friends with their dads I knew that I was missing out. I had a multiple imaginary reunions with him he had not really died, he had been in a coma, he was in witness protection, he was forced into the french foreign legion (I read a lot as a child), in my mind he was always so sorry he had been away, he missed me terribly and would promised to never leave again. I did not ask my mom questions about my father very often, I could see it made er sad. His being gone was just something I accepted; I had a dad and he had died. He loved to play the guitar, had a great voice and loved singing in little bars and worked during the day as a mechanic. He had a glass eye from a boyhood accident and drove like a â€Å"wild man†. I was fortunate to have a great mother who tried her best to fill his shoes, but I missed him or more accurately the idea of him the most at things like graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children. Sometimes I still see people with their fathers (sometimes even TV commercials) and I feel that little pang of loss and even some jealousy. I think its the not having the chance to know him that is what I mourn. After he died my mother lost contact with his family, so I have never really known them either. It is like a whole part of myself is a blank space, so much unknown. I know that this loss of him, of family, of a part of myself, is what makes me so determined to make sure my children are very involved with both my and my husbands families. They have been â€Å"dragged† to numerous family events, less so since we have moved to Minnesota and they have gotten older, but even at my grandmother funeral two years ago I knew they would never have that blank space when I heard them â€Å"reminiscing† and laughing with cousins they had not physically seen in a couple years and how they talked with their aunts and uncles like it had only been a day or two since they had been together last. I may not have had a father, but I do have a great extended family. If I have learned anything from the loss in my life, it is that loss is survivable, it can make you stronger, it can make you more understanding and compassionate and it can make you appreciate what you have not lost.